Not All Chest Pains are Heart Attacks
Husna Pasha, Founder Happychondriac Society
Husna, you are always such a happy person, I can’t imagine you would ever have anxiety. You are so positive all the time?
Have you heard of ‘high functioning people’? that’s me!! Many of you will know what I'm talking about when I say that you can live with anxiety and remain successful, capable, and dare I say super HAPPY! But, when anxiety creeps up on you it’s like living a nightmare. I'd say the scariest thing for people that suffer from anxiety and are high functioning; is feeling like an imposter, this feeling poses the risk of keeping these moments and feelings to ourselves. It’s really a balloon effect, if you keep adding more air to it, it is eventually going to pop.
I recall being a young girl, growing up in a small town in Tasmania in the 80's, not exactly the most culturally diverse community, but rich with the accent of our True-Blue Aussies! Now being brown and sounding like Crocodile Dundee was not easy. I wasn't accepted by the white children around me nor was I understood by my family in India who we travelled to visit for long periods every 3 years. It was a cross culture self-identity crisis. I didn't know where I belonged or who I was meant to be. What I did know and felt is that my body was filled with positive energy, and I always felt happy. It would be difficult to get a smile off my face or to control my high level of energy as I danced, sang and showed immense amounts of affection to any human that came my way! I was obsessed with humans, all of them!
I loved Queen, they were one my favourite musicians growing up. Around the same time I recall the dreaded reality of AIDS and it seemed to be the biggest taboo and deadliest known disease that came about. Dissecting it all now. My journey began like this; Anxiety recall number 1. A memory of a child surfaced as I recall my innocence while I loved playing the universal game of of mums and dads, before I knew it my next door neighbour innocently kissed me on my lips. Well that was it! That night I went to bed convinced I had AIDS. I was so rattled by the internal dialogue going through my mind for weeks, of course I hadn't said a word to my parents soon after I started feeling short of breath, this had to be a sure sign that I was terminally ill! I look back now and wish I could give that little girl a big hug and educate her that a kiss from your 8 year old female next door neighbour was not the cause of a deadly virus that one of your music idols contracted.
Anxiety recall number 2. I am 8 years younger than my elder sister and much like all elder siblings, they don't tend to take their younger siblings too seriously of no fault of their own. But when you are the youngest, you look up to them and want nothing more than their undivided attention, especially when you have no other family members close by. I remember sitting on the swing outside and called out her name. She was only a couple of metres away from me; but she ignored me. I called out her name again as she continued walking away. I called again and again, I was shouting out her name, this little brown girl was turning blue, tears rolling down my face just to be acknowledged and heard. Eventually she turned back with a "WHAT DO YOU WANT." At that point I remember not evening knowing what it was that I wanted anymore, but the bizarre trauma it left was another anxious belief of feeling rejected, unheard and being left behind.
Anxiety moment recall 3. The most loving, affectionate but over protective parents you would come across in Tasmania back then! My Dad was a Doctor and quite neurotic! I remember feeling this ache in my leg at around 9 years old. If I look back now, it really should have been ignored, but instead it was a trip to the Specialist. I look back now and laugh but....that's cray cray! A slight fever would lead to a day, or two off school and a middle of the night stomach-ache led to having my appendix out, although I blame the Surgeons dollar sign eyes more than my parents!
Most ethnics disciplined their children through emotional blackmail, fear and guilt!! My Dad would tell us regularly that he would get cancer or drop dead should we want to go out and do the normal standard activities of most kids growing up in Australia! God Bless him and my Mum because without this content, I would never have become a successful comedian and speaker who uses all these stories to make others laugh and relay the mindset of an Ethnic Australian upbringing to people just like me! And through storytelling, I began to realise I was actually a majority. You can't blame migrant parents for their own belief systems and in particular you can't blame them for wanting to hold onto their cultures in fear of their children not being like them. But the impact can be severe.
If you have an Indian or Asian friend, you’ll recognise they probably all suffer from low vitamin D. Going out in the sun and getting darker was like slowly and silently chipping away at your parents happiness which leads very well into Anxiety recall number 4…..
Playing outside at school in summer and going to school camp. I'd look in the mirror 100 times before going home to see if I had become a darker shade of brown. I'd try to wash my face over and over again to see if that would make a difference, but sadly to my demise it didn't.
By the age of 14, our family Doctor diagnosed me with Panic and Generalised Anxiety Disorder. But guess what, I was still happy, still smiling, confused by the diagnosis of a girl that was the sunshine of her friends’ hearts and the Apple of her parents’ eyes. So life happily went on, I just believed that all chest pains were heart attacks and all headaches were brain tumors!
It’s now proven that our environment and those initial childhood experiences do without a doubt shape your adult mind and the decisions that you make in the future, but I am deeply grateful for the love I was given and the challenges that I had to face, because if it wasn't for that, I wouldn't be sitting here today, writing this blog for you, to help you overcome your kryptonite called Anxiety.
We all have it to some level, some clearly worse than others, but you can overcome it, you can quieten the voice, you can channel it for good, you can seek professional support, but most importantly you can and must share it with people around you that you feel safe and are you trusted tribe, because you will soon realise you are not alone. Nearly 1 in 4 people in your circle will have or has suffered from some form of mental health illness. It’s not something to shame, its life and we all at the end of the day are trying to achieve the same thing; to be happy. Our thoughts and thinking processes when faced with anxiety or other forms of mental health illness aren't always easy to change and sustain, however it is 100% possible. People used to say, 'get over it, it’s all in your mind.' My response to that is "Ah duh....obviously!'
When you start to work through your issues around self-worth and self-esteem, whatever your kryptonite is that causes you anxiety, I promise you, your Super Hero will appear and nothing will be able to break your super power....Self Love!